i wonder who i’ve become in your head, what is left of me after passing through the filter of your anger. the thing is: i have lost before, had integral love evaporate, leaving a concentrated residue of grief & questions like grit in my mouth & eyes. this is not a new feeling—this incompleteness of heart. what i don’t understand is the suddenness, the totality. you have treated me the way i have only treated people who committed violence against me, and i have treated you the way i have only treated my closest family—suffering through your pain with you, listening for hours to you tell me of your trauma & your realizations & your hopes, allowing you into spaces in my life & heart that are reserved for permanence. and now you are gone from all the other ways of my life—my days, my care, my interest—but you remain in that space because there is only an entrance; there is no exit. i wonder who my heart has warped you into—better than you are, more worthy of remembering, of dedicating heartspace to? has my heart changed you into someone caring who i miss, just as your head has warped me into someone vicious who you hate? for what? what are you gaining, keeping me villain in whatever headspace you keep me? what do i gain from still loving you, other than a pain which persists despite myself? i have recovered from losing your support as my friend. i do not know how to recover from your utter rejection of me as a person, but i will one day. til then i will try to hold love open for you without letting it become the same kinda filter as your anger. i will try to hold the truth there too, the truth that i don’t think you did anything wrong or terrible but your words & actions have disappointed me as totally as i must’ve disappointed you when you read my behavior as selfish, callous & short-sighted. but instead of abandoning you to be those things in my head, i am choosing to see you as someone who is surviving by the means you deem necessary & accepting that, somewhere along the line, loving me was deemed no longer necessary. whereas, for me, loving you will always be the most important part of how i feel about you.